A Funny Thing Happened On My Way to Assisted Living

​Congratulations Seniors!  In addition to receiving benefits such as Social Security, Medicare, and discount movie tickets, you are now eligible to receive jokes in your inbox which keep reminding you that you’re old!

It’s not that I resent jokes about aging.  I think laughing at ourselves is healthy as long as you empty your bladder first.  In fact, I’ve written many an essay about the indignities of growing older.  For example, I’ve questioned the wisdom of, after a certain age, paying a higher price for a product because it comes with a life-time warranty.  I applied the same logic before agreeing to very expensive dental work.  Do I get a guarantee that I’ll outlive my teeth? I’ve skewered fashion: the wisdom of wearing stiletto heels, the trauma of needing a new bathing suit, whether there is an expiration date for going sleeveless.  My essays about height (loss), weight (gain), body part replacements have all been based on my own real time experiences.  (It was Bette Davis who first said,

“Old age ain’t no place for sissies!” Now, there was a wise woman!)

But as with life, not all jokes are created equal.  Someone should invent a spam filter that permits only the best ones to survive.  Until someone does, I’ve decided to share my edited list of recent internet gems that I have found particularly clever.  While you may not wind up rolling on the floor with laugher, which, at our age is questionable behavior in any circumstance, I hope you at least find them relatable.

If you can’t think of a word, say “I forget the English word for it.”  That way people will think you are bilingual instead of senile.

            It turns out that when asked who your favorite child is, you’re supposed to pick one of your own.  I know that now.

            I can’t believe I forgot to go to the gym today.  That’s seven years in a row.

            I’ve been watching my weight.  It’s still there.

            How’s life going? Well, I turned on the wrong burner and have been cooking nothing for twenty minutes.

            I like to make lists.  I also like to leave them lying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while I’m at the store.

            When I say, “the other day,” I could be referring to any time between yesterday and ten years ago.

            I’ve successfully completed the 30-year transition from wanting to stay up late to just wanting to go to bed.
And the most recently arrived favorite:

            Being an adult is mostly about being exhausted, wishing you hadn’t made plans, waiting to take your bra off, wondering how you can fall asleep and stay asleep, missing someone or something, become forgetful, craving foods that you know you shouldn’t eat, worrying about things that haven’t happened yet, and wondering how you got that bruise.

So, keep laughing folks.  As a wise man (or was it a woman?) once said, “Do not regret growing older.  It’s a privilege denied to many.”

(My thanks to the other Larry G. (not my husband) and Nancy K. for filling my inbox with smiles.)

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